I
‘Isn’t it wonderful to know that somewhere in this infinite universe someone stays awake night after night just thinking entirely of you?’
‘hell, no.’
- overheard; my mind discussing with myself.
But there is no duality, no antithesis. Neither do I wish to intellectualize anything and everything at all. It is just simple. One hot Thursday afternoon I heard my mind talking with myself; something that is I that is in me but is so vividly distinct from the one eavesdropping.
—————could you show me dear/something I’ve not seen/ something infinitely interesting ——————-
I heard myself singing. Singing along to a song neither new nor old but I just recently heard. It was entirely sad. Entirely crazy. I was losing my sense of humor completely. I was becoming an autumn valley.
—————-I got lost in the sounds I hear in my mind all these voices/ I hear in my mind all these words/ I hear in my mind all these music/ and it breaks my heart——————-
I do not want to make mistakes anymore. I want to stop doing stupid things. And I want to stop hearing stupid advice from stupid people. I do not want to suffer anymore. I think I’ve suffered long enough.
I. The theory of eternal damnation.
The end of march; the end of days. The end of an era, but as always, heartbreaking. There is no hope of salvation in the foreseeable future. Everyday there are more and more people getting insane. And their children are growing up insane. We are all slaves of advanced modern day capitalism propelled by the infinite potency of the invisible Sentient.
There are a few remaining non-fanatic teetotalers in this world. People have become obsessed with fantasies. They watch, voices hushed inside movie houses, dragons being slain by young lads clad in ridiculous thousand-dollar getups. All the stupidity. Information flows freely but we are non the wiser.
The tall and the handsome, the beautiful and the sexy. They all get what they want. Nerds like me we perish along with the game-over and mission failed prompts that appear in our PC monitors. Crazy. Money is worshipped more than ever.
It is in this period where my other self was born, and I decided that I shall call him Igor Maximinovich when the sun is up and he shall be known as Sakyamuni when the sun has already set. Igor is my active, despotic, vainglory, fanatic- fundamentalist, hard-headed ambitious cunning Machiavellian self; Sakyamuni is my holy, appreciative, tolerant, self-pitying, scholarly, cigarette-smoking Nietzschean self. Together they comprise the being I know only by the name of Imperial Emperor the Axis Field Marshal THE_MIND incorporated. Crazy.
I want to save the world but I don’t even have enough money in my savings account to buy myself an Omega to be like my idol, James Bond. How could I change the world without the aid of technology? And how can I control technology with a Seiko watch?
I begin my exploits, nevertheless. So I must find a psychic sidekick. I know that my friend whom we shall call His Royal Highness the Imperial Commander of the Order of the Noble Praying Mantis Reinhardt “Shaved Armpits” Lennon-Duncan. I went over to his pad, a modest, one-room affair, with no roofs and no food or any grocery items whatsoever. Seeing him, I knew he is bound by and destined for greatness as my ever-loyal and bravely/stupidly willing accomplice. The moment I looked at him I got my wand out and conjured a “Thou art my servant” spell.
“What are you singing?”
“Rivermaya – A Love to Share (acoustic), my Lord.”
“Very well, then. Come, for today we shall conquer the world.”
He followed me and we walked quite a distance towards the altar that my forefathers have built atop the hill the townspeople knew as Doom Peak. On the way we discussed much Philosophy. He was deeply interested in the complex works of Monica Bellucci and the much-recent Sagana Homes School.
“Why do you follow me, Armpits?” I asked him.
“Because you are the ONE, the one true heir of the glorified god-apparent, Sakyamuni.”
“But it is still day, my feeble servant. The mighty sun has not ceased to burn us.”
“In that case, my lord, I follow you regardless of your ambiguous grace.”
“Shall you follow me to the ends of the earth?”
“Only within the limits of the TODA. I have not enough money to reach home, if ever.”
Contented, we walked the path leading to the hill. The water lilies and all other sorts of grasses greeted us as we came. I felt the whole universe looking at me, the heir, and him, my servant. It was still light when we reached the approaches of the alter.
And behold, for there I saw a most intriguing apparition. Tiffany, the oblivious, was lying in the steps, naked to the bone, and with her was a most seductive smile.
“My lord, I welcome you. The Sentient has willed that we meet in this most lovely manner, when you are at the crossroads of your personality-change. May I, your most wretched servant, be of service to you from here to eternity.”
She kissed my feet and poured Virgin Coconut Oil on my whole body. She was formerly an agent of DXN, a most sinister organization that I loathe by the very idea of it. But she was genuinely happy to receive me, and she bowed to my servant Armpits as well.
I smiled and said nothing, feeling extremely accomplished that within the span of an hour and just within the area of the subdivision I have gained tow faithful servants who would follow me to the ends of the earth (provided that Armpits is provided with enough money to pay the fare for his way home). But then I was rather perplexed by this idea, so I asked Armpits.
“Tell me then, Armpits, why do you fear not having enough dough for your tricycle ride home, when there is no more need for you to go and return to your previous, Igor Maximinovich-less existence?”
“My lord, I still have to tend my fields, for I must earn my living, still.”
“ And so I tell unto thee, he who refuses to follow my path unconditionally is in danger of getting the wrath of the one, for he who looks back to his fields and roofless studio-type is but like a rat.”
“You talk of rats, my lord. I have watched The Departed.” Armpits answered.
“Nonsense, my fellow worshipper!” Tiffany castigated Armpits. “ We have no right to question the willing and eternal mission of lord Igor Maximinovich. For it is written, that the first two whom the One shall anoint shall forever be rewarded by a supply of Purefoods Tender Juicy hotdogs in heaven and their families here in earth as well.”
I watched this scene with great curiosity. Then I spoke, as such. “My servants, do you follow me because you love me, or because you fear incurring my anger, or because you are obsessed with my promises of eternal reward?”
They both were suddenly silent. I walked ahead of them, and, with their heads bowed, they followed me (this I knew because albeit I was walking ahead, and my Igor-eyes fixed on the altar and beyond, The Sentient has enabled me to see the whole universe with an all knowing eye which is always awake, for it could never be in the state of being not awake, which is sleep, the reverse of reality. Then a vision, an apparition, appeared in the skies. Factory smoke created the face of my beloved, that most pure and chaste lovely face which is the totality of all the women I have loved in the period of my blessed life known as youth, and behold it was too beautiful and terrible to see, and I was brought down to my knees by this most corrupt feeling we know as regret, and I wept.
