Last of Summer
So, let’s try to brighten up the weekend.
I am generally confused and ultimately sad, again. Haha. But not as sad as I have been when there have been real problems confronting me. This time, I am experiencing a metaphysical sadness. A sadness that is not the effect of something but the cause of everything. Sadness that I haven’t experienced before, and yet feels so natural to my being. This sadness haunts me, radiates from me, within me, as if without this sadness I become nothing, meaningless, senseless. And this sadness delights me and makes me feel alive.
It keeps me alive.
I woke up and it was horribly dark. I felt creatures moving all around, whispering. It was a dense darkness, one that seemed to penetrate my soul. All the while in my head I was replaying certain scenes of the TV shows I had watched as a kid, during the heydays of ABS-CBN. Home Along da Riles, Oki doki Doc, and Okay ka, Fairy Ko! It felt really weird. Then all of a sudden I was experiencing blinding flashes of decisive uncertainty, I was reliving the embarrassing moments I’ve been through. Like a deep river flowing angrily, swiftly, drowning everyone, everything in its path, I became a capsule containing regretful memories. From the heights of my mind came rolling down boulders massive and destructive. I was the violent storm that uproots the ancient trees. I wipe out all the guardians of nature.
And my writing remains like, all the time, always a preliminary draft.
I was in a pizza parlor, talking with someone, drinking Coke, thinking of the rain and the people at the other side of the glass walls. Quezon City was not entirely nice during rainy summer nights. Ah, rains at the end of May. I love the summer break months, April and May.
Summer break?
Yes, I am young, in school, and pathetic. Nothing has changed, I have not been able to fully comprehend the lessons life has given. Blame it to the fact that these lessons, instead of being served in legal sized bond papers and in black and white, where served randomly on certain rainy nights. These lessons always make me feel mutinous and murderous, suicidal and anti-social.
I still fail to understand what it means to, you know, that.
