Confused-Shoes

In my moments of weakness I might have spoken of it. But I never meant it. Why would I want you away from me?

But my flaws began to unravel. I can’t even show a good trait in me. Maybe that is why I am so insecure, because I know myself. I might make one mistake and that’s it.

Well I did make mistakes. And yes that was it. No, I don’t blame you at all. I could not expect any one to understand me, the difficulty that is me. Maybe my Father could. But not even quite. I am too complex and too chaotic for my own good. Like the Greenday anthem. ‘Sometimes I give myself the creeps/Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.’ And I am not paranoid nor am I stoned. That is just how I am.

I couldn’t blame you for choosing to go. I could sing a million love songs for the occassion. Laslas songs, as we know it. The past nights I was trying to forget everything. Hoping we could start again, start again. A brave new attempt at falling in love without the past issues carried over. But sadly, that wasn’t to be.

You have gone because you left and chose not to put up with me. I have made you go because I am too selfish and I am too conceited. I wanted you back, no, I don’t even want to let go because in my moments of darkness you are the only person I would have wanted to be with me. But that is not the case. You must live too, yourself.

I am used to this. Being by myself, and wishing good tidings to those whom I have caused to be hurt. I pray that may your dreams be granted. May you reach what you aspire for. I will always be a fan, an admirer. Maybe if I am lucky and you decide to come back, I’d be here. I promise.

I never wanted you to go. Hell I would have chased and followed the scent in your trail, like a bewitched dog. But I never want you to tire in pushing me away. Years of living insecure has taught me to know when I am unwanted.

Maybe if you’d only remember the promise that we would never part. To me that promise, that we will always stay together, rings true from the moment I wake to the time I close my eyes and force my mind to sleep. If i had my way, If I was good enough, I would never want to be away from you. I would never ever want to see us go. But I should have known better. Promises of staying together forever, that’s the basic stuff where all lovesongs are made of.

And sadly, that’s the one sacred promise most people forget so easily.

I close my eyes.